Thursday, January 15, 2015

My New Normal

Lots of things have changed since I last posted. November was a crazy month, especially the week of Thanksgiving.

  • Monday I started a new job
  • Tuesday we bought a house
  • Wednesday was Isaac's birthday
  • Thursday was Thanksgiving
  • Friday was Black Friday (mostly spent at Home Depot)
  • Saturday was moving day and UGA/GT football game (which we won!)
It was a great week with lots of great exciting changes, I was thrilled and so glad to be starting new chapters of my life.

Then reality set in. I tend to get really excited about changes, but after they happen I have a hard time adapting. I have grand ideas of what it will be like once something happens, and when it doesn't quite live up to my expectations I get disappointed. 

Our new "closet" after the shelf
The new house was bigger with so much potential, yes, but we were sleeping with our mattress on the floor, our couch (my favorite spot in the house) was still at the old house for staging, I had trouble finding things while cooking (I knew we brought sugar over, but I couldn't find it!), everything was still in boxes, our bedroom has no doors to hide the closet clutter, our lack of driveway meant that the floors were always dirty, and I kept missing things about the old house. I had 6 years at that house to make it just how we liked it, and now we were leaving it. We were leaving the kitchen we had redone ourselves, the book page wall for Olivia's room, the Master bedroom with awesome built ins, the great mudroom Isaac had built, my wall of jars in the kitchen.

The new job was awesome, but I was still in my training period which meant I was going into work everyday, I wasn't getting home until 6:30/7 at night, I had to get myself and Olivia ready and out the door in the mornings, I was working with Macs (I haven't used a Mac in years), and I was adapting to a new process of coding. I was leaving all the people I had worked with for 5 years, the nice part-time work where I only had to come in once a week, the place where I was the expert at what I did.

I felt like I was in limbo. I was waiting for our first house to sell so we could finish moving into our new house. I was waiting for my work from home schedule so I could start planning better for each week and have days when I wasn't rushing out the door and rushing home to get Olivia fed. I was waiting for things to get unpacked before I started trying to really settle in. My to-do list kept getting longer as I had less time each day to finish things. 

It turned into a huge cycle. As more things built up, the more I just wanted time to relax and enjoy the little time I had to myself, but I felt guilty and overwhelmed so I didn't ever really relax. I would watch TV instead of unpacking, then feel guilty about not unpacking and try to do it while Olivia was awake, then get frustrated with her when she wanted attention, only to feel guilty about not giving her attention and take a break to spend time with her, which would again lead me to not getting things done.

I was complaining all the time. Complaining about the house, the job, Isaac, Olivia, the weather, the holidays (so much running around!), the traffic, about Isaac turning on the bathroom light at night, everything. I would complain when I got help, when I didn't get help, all the time!

I could tell it was wearing on Isaac and Olivia. Isaac was doing his best to do things for me (like setting up the laundry room downstairs, adding shelving to our master closet, starting dinner while I got Olivia, picking up Olivia so I could come straight home) but for every great thing he did, I'd find something he didn't do right (stuff was in my way to get to the Laundry room, dinner wasn't completely ready when I got home, he went home to work on the house instead of picking up Olivia, he was working in his shop instead of entertaining Olivia). Olivia was unhappy to see me when I cam to pick her up and would fuss for most of the car ride home. I would snap "No!" at her after she asked for the 100th time for "fffood" on the way home instead of telling her she had to wait til we got home and trying to distract her. 

I'm not exactly sure when I decided I needed to be the one to change rather than waiting for everything around me to change, but this week has been much better. I read a blog yesterday about a woman who decided to "Look for flowers instead of weeds". And that is what I've been trying to do. 

  • I've been enjoying the afternoon commute to sing and talk with Olivia, even if she asks for food 100 times.
  • I've been trying to enjoy the little things, like having our couch moved to the new house.
  • I've been trying to act more grateful towards those who have helped me, because I couldn't have done this by myself.
  • I've taken time to play with Olivia after work, because I love watching her play and laugh and I don't want to miss out more than I already am.
  • I'm trying to stop feeling guilty about all the things I haven't done, and just try to accomplish one thing on my to-do list, even if it means that 5 more things get added afterward.

I'm not giving up complaining all together or being frustrated by things. I know it is good to get things out sometimes and that I will be frustrated by things, but I can't let that take over my life. Because otherwise I'll miss out on this:

And I just don't have enough time in my day to miss the wonderful little moments :)